Today, I Have Changed

Ever have one of those days where you just meet with God out of the blue?

Today was that day for me.

You see, as much as I would tell myself – and others – that I was no longer bitter, that was only partially true. I was only no longer bitter when everything was easy and I didn’t feel threatened.

The most challenging thing about overcoming bitterness is letting go. 

Letting go of the hurt, the questions and the overwhelming desire to scream at someone. Letting go of the insecurity and doubt. Just letting go and saying to God “I trust You to sort this out because I know you have the best in store for me”.

There were plenty of times where I thought I had truly “let go”, but as soon as it was brought up, I would find myself feeling like I did back in the beginning. Immediately, insecurity would overcome me. I would shake and feel like I was either going to cry or throw up—or both. It wouldn’t be a momentary thing either. For the next week, I would be just as insecure as I was at first. I would take my frustration out on anyone and anything. I was antsy and paranoid. I didn’t trust and I was controlling. I was fearful. I was bitter. I was insecure.

Today was different.

I laughed!

For anyone who has ever had trouble with overcoming bitterness and insecurity, you know that laughing when the old, painful topic comes up is unusual. Even as I laughed I thought to myself: “Wow. You’re laughing. And it is a sincere laugh. And look! You aren’t shaking or feeling like you’re going to throw up or insecure or about to cry. Wow. Grace really is sufficient.”

That’s when it happened. I was overwhelmed by God’s presence, grace and mercy. I knew that I knew that I knew that I was a child of the King and that nothing—no longer bitterness or insecurity—could take that feeling away from me. I was renewed and restored. The chains were broken. I was forever changed.

The funny thing is, this could have happened so long ago…but my inability to let go hindered it. I held on because I didn’t know who I would be without it. The pain was familiar. I thought that by limiting my trust I would protect myself so I wouldn’t be blind-sighed again. But, you know what? It was only fear—and covering yourself with fear has never protected anyone. In fact, the Bible says SO many times “do not fear” or “do not be afraid”. It is a command, a command that most are not comfortable with because it means letting go. But, “Love casts out all fear”. They can’t be in the same place at the same time.

Talk about “enlightenment”!

I don’t deserve Grace, but Grace is all I need and “the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair”- Relient K

After all, if God—the most wonderful, merciful savior, creator of the universe and lover of my rebellious heart— has given me Grace, shouldn’t I give it to others?